Good Actress
by EmmyGoldsworthy13
Summary: Something tragic happened to Clare Edwards. She acts like nothing happened, and she hides that something did. When Adam introduces her to a mysterious, sweet, dark boy, will he show her a way to cope other than self-harm? R&R.
1. My Own Personal Nightmare

**Heyy People. Like I've said before, I believe in short first chapters. This was just an idea I had, so R&R, please!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

_When I was little, I'd wanted to be a princess. The next week, I'd want to be a veterinarian. The next, an astronaut. I thought that my biggest problems were that my friend Morgan stole my favorite blue crayon, that I didn't get my place on the swing-set, that I couldn't teach my dog how to roll over. But since then, my worries have carved a forever growing place in my mind. _

_Were the neighbors going to hear the yelling?_

_Did my dad put back that pained look in my mother's eyes when he left again?_

_Did I cut too deep? _

_Will anyone notice if I wear a long-sleeved shirt or arm warmers in 72 degree weather? _

_Will I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, again?_

_Will the surefire guilt keep eating away at me like this?_

_And the list kept growing. Every single day a new worry is added to the list, and sometimes it was suffocating. It feels like I can't catch my breath, as if someone stole all the air from my lungs. This summer changed me, and I sure wasn't Saint Clare anymore. Everytime I heard a car screech to a halt, my head whipped around, and I tried to fight the tears threatening to overflow. I felt hollow, like my happiness and everything to live for was disappearing. It was dissipating, and I couldn't do a thing to stop it, because the list just kept getting longer._

_I used to think that God was the answer, that he had his own plan for me, that he'd save me. I believed that things happen for a reason, that everyone had their own predetermined obstacles to overcome. But if that was true, why would He want me to go through this? Why would He make me have this overbearing guilt? Everything was my fault._

_I used to think that this purity ring on my finger actually meant something, but now it's just a piece of metal that stands for nothing. Because if this God hadn't activated his plan for me yet, then he can't be real. If he's not real, neither is this dainty promise on my finger. _

_._

_. _

_._

I looked up from my loopy script on the loose leaf page of my English journal, watching students go by as I sat on the ground near my locker, journal in hand. I glared at them all, finding happiness in fake things that didn't exist. The world was an empty place, with empty promises and non-existing fixes, they'd find out soon enough.

So, when Adam asks how my weekend was, I'll tell him it was fine. But nothing's fine. _I'm _not fine. But I'll keep up this façade long enough, hopefully skipping the part where I start to crack like in the movies. That's when I see him.

"Whatcha' writing, Clare-Bear?" Adam asks, sitting by my side, taking a peek at my journal. I shut it quickly, hoping he hadn't seen anything.

"Just an English assignment for Dawes." I quickly covered, hoping he didn't hear the lie in my voice. He didn't notice, because he's so used to hearing it unknowingly. A sick and content smile crept its way onto my face as I saw him nod to himself.

_I'm in the clear, _I thought.

But that's only because I'm a good actress.

_**End of Chapter 1. **_

**Soo. This was just an idea that got stuck in my head, and I wanted to try it out. I'll add the rest of the misfits next chapter, that is, if you want me to continue. Review please, leave your opinion, that's how I know if you want the next chapterrr! **


	2. Oh, Boy

**Hey guys... I'm sort of sad this didn't get as many reviews as I had hoped, but oh well. I wrote the next chapter anyway, so here it isss! _Warning: Contains cutting and lots of angst. This story is not for the lighthearted. _**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, but I do however own an obscene amount of musiccc!**

I sighed once the final bell rang, signaling that the school day was over. Now, I had to go back to the last place I wanted to be right now: my house. Today was one of those days where I miss her the most, when the guilt is at its greatest. While I was packing up and heading home, I couldn't help but overanalyze everything.

Since July 7th, I've wondered what would've happened if I'd done this differently. Would the outcome have been different? If I'd done that differently, or didn't do this? I'd do anything to take something back; anything, really. But I didn't know what to take back or regret. Surely my hateful last words, but what significant thing had I done to make her look away from the road, only for a second? I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks, rolling down and leaving their own trails of sadness and guilt. As I turned onto my street, I wiped at them furiously, almost punishing myself for crying.

What did I do to deserve this overwhelming and tear jerking guilt? Someone, please fill me in. Oh, right.

_I killed my sister._

_. _

_._

_._

When I made it up the front walk of my house, I stuck the key in the lock and turned it, the front door opening. I gulped before taking a step inside, listening for any kind of yelling dispute, but heard none. I shut the door quietly but quickly, not taking the time to take my shoes off as I ran up the stairs. I headed straight for my room, which was my own personal sanctuary. I locked the door, and plopped down on my bed, burying my head in my pillow as the repetitive guilt washed over me. It felt like a sickening blow to the stomach, socking my gut with every thought of her. I laid there with my head in my pillow for the longest time, the only sounds in the room my quiet sobs and mumbling wishes and sorries, knowing Darcy probably couldn't hear them, anyway. But it was the only thing I could do to ease some of this crushing guilt. It was my fault, only mine, _everything_ was _my_ fault. I deserve the guilt, it's my fault my sister is _dead._ These self-loathing thoughts carried on for I don't know how long, but eventually, I cried myself to sleep.

Just like I do every day.

.

.

.

"_Clare, look at me." Darcy said pleadingly, taking brief glances at me as she kept her eyes on the road. I turned to give her my cold stare, the air feeling like ice between us. _

"_What?" I snapped at her, and she glanced at me again. _

"_I'm sorry." She said, looking sincere, but I scoffed. "Clare, I would never try to hurt you on purpose-" She started, but my expression of anger and betrayal made her mouth close. _

"_Yeah right, Darce!" I yelled at her, feeling both hurt and angry at the same time. "That's bullshit, and you know it." I said sardonically, hoping for her to feel the anger radiating out from my skin. "Obviously, you were thinking about whether this would hurt me when you slept with-" I deadpanned, but surprisingly, her loud shout rang through the small car. _

"_No! I wasn't thinking, okay? Just stop it!" She voiced, her fingers gripping the steering wheel so tight, her knuckles became whiter than the rest of her skin. _

"_You weren't thinking? Ha. That's a good one, Darcy." I retorted. "Apparently you were thinking when you decided to sleep with my boyfriend." I said almost so low with fury, I saw her flinch._

"_I wasn't thinking." She said again, still keeping her stare on the road, her hands on the wheel as hard as ice. I wanted to turn sideways in my seat and throttle her, the scenario in my head making me smile inwardly. But unfortunately, I couldn't control my mouth like I could my hands. _

"_Fuck you." I said under my breath, crossing my arms and staring out the window. But, oh no, I wasn't done yet. "You're just a good for nothing _whore._ I can't believe you. I _hate_ you." I said with venom, and she turned to me with a look on her face that I hoped I wouldn't ever have to see again. _

_Well, my wish came true. _

_Because, moments later, bright lights filled the entire car. I squinted to look ahead, only to see that Darcy had lost control of the wheel, and was on the highway in incoming traffic. To my absolute horror, there was a black pick-up truck coming straight towards us. Darcy's hands jerked the wheel to the right, but it was too late. The pick-up seemed to move in slow motion as it hit us head-on, and my ears could only hear the deafening sound of metal crushing together. The car jarred backward, making my head whip forward. I shielded my face with my arms as a shower of glass filled my vision. I felt sharp pricks of pain in my arms, and seconds later I felt warm liquid running down both my forearms. I smelt the metallic, iron-y smell, and even though I could feel warm blood dripping from my nose, I scrunched it up in disgust. After the car stopped jerking and shaking, I hesitantly and fearfully looked to my left. What I saw, will forever be imprinted into the very folds of my mind, and I'm sure I'll never forget it. It was one of those things that you wish you hadn't seen, because now, my mind was tainted with this horrifying picture of my sister. I could only see half her body, because her left side was crushed by the large dent that I assumed was the impact site. There was blood everywhere; in here hair, all over her face, her chest, her legs, her stomach… all I could see was this sharp red color, staring me right in the face, showing me what I'd done. _

_I killed her._

I shot up from my dream, only to hear loud screaming ring through my room like every other night. I realized it was mine, and closed my mouth, only to open it again to take deep, quick breaths. There was the nightmare, again. The one that had haunted me ever since Darcy's funeral, the one that I hated with such a passion. I felt the tears rushing down my face… just like the blood in my horrific dream. I wiped them away quickly, the memory still too much to bare. I faced it every night, but waking up and coming back to reality afterward never became easier. If anything, it became harder, because the longer this feeling lasted, the more I thought about the razor hidden in my bathroom. I stood up from my bed, the tears still falling, as the only sound was my soft footsteps walking across my hardwood floor to the door of the bathroom. I twisted the knob and flicked the light on, regret and harsh guilt filling the now silent room as I shut the door. I went to the mirrored cabinet, opening it and finding the razor wrapped up in a paper towel, just where I'd left it. I sat down on the edge of the tub and lifted my shorts to reveal my creamy white thigh, baring an obscene amount of purplish scars, a few fresh red ones among the rest.

"_I'm sorry, Darce." _I whispered as I drug the steel razor across an already existent scar, sighing as I felt the familiar pain that made me feel oh so good. I broke it away from my skin and let the razor drop the floor, a few drops of my blood falling along with it. Through heavy eyes, I watched the blood trickle down the side of my thigh, landing in a growing puddle on the floor. The tears fell harder as I grabbed a towel, applying pressure to the self-inflicted cut on my leg, watching the metallic scarlet red color bleed through the pale blue towel. I don't know how long I held it there, a few drops of tears joining the collection on my leg as my head hung low, the feeling of relief washing over me.

This was the only pain I could control.

I lifted the towel, blood soaked all the way through, and stood up to rinse it out. I let it drop to the sink and turned on the faucet, and I watched the orange color of the blood mixed with clear water as it swirled down the drain. I held my shorts up until I could manage to grab a large band-aid from a box in the bathroom closet, peeling the paper off and placing it over my deep cut with a hiss. I wadded a clump of toilet paper in my hands, holding onto the counter for support as I soaked up the blood from the tile floor, grabbing the razor as well. I stuck it under the running water of the sink, rinsing it until there were no traces of red, and wrapped it back up in the paper towel in the cabinet above the sink. I grabbed the towel, now rinsed clean from the water, and hung it over the edge of the bathtub as I walked to the door. I flicked the light off as I was back in my bedroom, the darkness of the nightfall seemingly welcoming, and glanced at the clock to see that it was only 11:34.

The perfect time.

I grabbed my bag next to the door, wincing as I felt the deep cut on my thigh tub at the movement. I gingerly sat down on my bed, switching on my bedside table lamp, getting out my homework that I had neglected because of my unexpected slumber. After I finished everything, it was around one in the morning, and I tossed everything on the floor as I went back to sleep, feeling the most content I had felt all day.

This time, my dreams were not tainted with the horrifying images of my sister, but with hopeful moving pictures of what tomorrow should be like.

.

.

.

When I arrived at school the next day, I fixed my shorts to hide the large, dark band-aid on my thigh. I trudged up the steps, slinging my bag up onto my shoulder as I moved a stray auburn curl from my forehead with my hand. Adam was leaning against my locker, my face immediately brightening up when I saw his smile in my direction. He moved over when I reached for the dial on my locker, stuffing my unneeded things in there while Adam talked.

"So, Clare-Bear, do you want to sit outside for lunch today? I met this guy yesterday, he's pretty cool, and I really want you to meet him." He pleaded with me, and I shot him a smile before closing my locker and agreeing.

"Sure." I answered, and he shot a fist in the air in triumph as a giggle erupted from my mouth. "So, what's this guy like, exactly?" I asked him while we walked down the hallway to mathematics, once again clutching my journal to my chest as we entered the classroom.

"Oh, he's _dark, mysterious, gives looks that could kill…_ but, he reads _The Goon_, so he's clearly an awesome dude." Adam said with a short laugh, and I rolled my eyes at his dedication to such a dark comic book.

"Sounds _charming."_ I retorted sarcastically as we sat down at our desks, Adam turning around in his chair to continue talking to me before class started. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it as he eyed my shirt in confusion.

"Why are you wearing a long-sleeved shirt in the middle of September?" He asked, confused, because everyone else was too afraid to let go of summer to wear anything other than sandals and decorative tank tops. I gulped lightly so he wouldn't catch on.

"I seriously need to do some laundry." I said with a wry smile, and he laughed a laugh that only Adam could pull off.

"I can relate." He said with a small smile, staring intently at a stain on his plaid shirt. I giggled, and Adam turned around quickly after flashing me a smile when Mr. Armstrong announced that class would be starting. This class went by slowly, as did my other ones leading up to lunch. I had to admit, I was anxious to meet this mysterious guy that Adam had mentioned. Finally, when the lunch bell rang, I headed straight for my locker, noting that Adam was waiting for me there. I hurried up and put everything away, grabbing my container of fruit as he held out his arm with a smile. I took it gratefully, and we walked to a bench outside in a comfortable silence. We sat down, and I couldn't shake this familiar anxious feeling from my chest as I sat down, facing away from the school. Adam took a seat across from me, scanning the growing crowd for this mysterious boy.

"There he is!" Adam shouted excitedly, waving him over. I turned around quickly, only to meet a pair of gorgeous green eyes. I took in his appearance with a blush on my face. He was wearing a pair of bleached black skinny jeans, a pair of gray converse sneakers, and a plain white crew-neck t-shirt with grey blazer over it. His dark brown hair was somehow smoothed to perfection, even when his hair was mingling each and every way. As he got closer I eyed his guitar pick necklace, and his lightly smudged eyeliner. I realized I was staring bluntly when one side of his lips rose up to reveal a lopsided smirk, and he raised his right eyebrow for an explanation of my staring as he strode over to our table and planted his seat right next to Adam.

"Clare, this is Eli. Eli, this is Clare." Adam introduced us.

"Hi." I said, and then smiled shyly at him as his smirk remained. Eli's hand had an obscene amount of rings on his fingers, and he held it out across the table with an expectant face. I was expecting him to shake it, but instead he cupped my hand in his larger one and brought it up to his lips, lightly pecking the top of my hand, smirking against my skin. He let my hand go as he stared at me, my face adorning a very noticeable dark red tint as the handsome boy continued to smirk at me.

_Oh, boy…_

_**End of Chapter 2. **_

**So, there it is! I brought in Eli... which elated me, since he _is _my love, after all. Hope the cutting thing didn't bother anybody too muchh... but just note that it might pop up in some of the following chapters. So yeah. Please review and tell me what you thought of this chapterr? **

**-Emmy.**


	3. My Toll To Pay

**Hey There. Here's chapter threeeee. Thank you to all the people who actually took time to review the last few chapters, hope you like this one, too!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

I sat there the whole lunch period eating my fruit salad with a plastic fork while Eli and Adam talked enthusiastically about _The Goon._ I couldn't help but stare at him, his lips turning up into a lopsided smirk whenever our eyes happened to met. His hair was splayed perfectly all across his forehead, covering his eyes in some places… Damn, those _eyes._

What was I doing? I don't even really _know _him. Actually, the only thing I do know about him is that he shares the same comic book obsession as my best friend. I stabbed a piece of melon with my fork angrily; only angry at myself for taking such interest in someone I barely even know.

"Woah, Clare. Calm down, the fruit didn't do anything." I heard Adam say, but I ignored him, only popping the piece of melon into my mouth. "What's with you, lately?" He asked, setting his comic book down, Eli mirroring him.

Did he know about… _her?_ Did he find out somehow? I never told Adam about her death, hell, he didn't even know I had a sister beforehand. I put my hands together into a tight ball under the table, afraid that they would notice my knuckles turning a blank white color as they automatically clenched. _Calm yourself, just lie your way through this._

"Nothing, I'm fine." I fibbed, giving him a fake smile, unclenching my fists and putting another piece of fruit on my fork.

"Oh, okay." Adam said, dismissing the topic, making my smile become real this time, because my lie had passed. He turned back to Eli, continuing to talk, but Eli didn't seem to accept my answer. He narrowed his eyes at me slightly, analyzing my face with a look of doubt on his face. I looked down quickly, taking out my phone and pretending to shoot someone a text. I felt his eyes on me the whole time, and the edges of my mouth turned up when Adam noticed he wasn't paying attention to him.

"Eliiiiiii?" Adam sang his name in confusion, waving his hand in front of his face. Eli looked at him quickly, startled that he'd noticed he wasn't truly paying any attention to the topic.

"Sorry, what?" He said, looking straight at Adam now. I smiled inwardly as I didn't feel his eyes on me anymore, and I could finally relax and let my mind slow down. When Adam finished talking, that's when they actually started to eat. Eli had an apple, and Adam had a packed-lunch he bought in the cafeteria.

"So, Eli, what class do you have after this?" I asked, just trying to talk so he wouldn't bring anything up about earlier. He took out a folded, worn sheet of paper from his blazer, and squinted at it.

"Um… Honors English with Dawes." He told me, and I inwardly kicked myself. I have that class next, as well. Am I supposed to be happy to have a new friend in a class? Or am I supposed to be worried that he'd question me more since he didn't believe me when I told Adam I was fine? I guess I can be both.

"Me too." I said, giving him a small, shy smile. His eyes widened, and Adam laughed.

"Clare-Bear, here, is one of the best writers in grade ten." Adam defended me, making me roll my eyes at him jokingly.

"Am not." I denied, but Adam shook his head.

"She's just being modest. _She really is."_ He whispered to Eli, which made him smirk at me slightly while he seemed to be contemplating something, but then shrugged. "She also has a forte for writing vampire fiction." Adam added, making my face heat up once again.

"Adam!" I yelled, but I doubt he could hear me over his laughter. I glanced at Eli, who was trying to hold back a smile as he watched me. "It was a year ago, okay? It's done." I told him, and he held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Whatever you say." Eli said, taking another bite of his apple, his smirk seemingly glued to his face.

"Adam. I hate you." I deadpanned, glaring at him as his laughter subdued.

"Love you too, Clarey." Adam said around a mouthful of food, and I rolled my eyes and popped another piece of fruit into my mouth. I heard the bell ring for the end of lunch, and I felt my eyes widen at how much time had passed.

"_Shit." _I cursed under my breath, getting up and fast-walking into the building alongside Adam and Eli, who were shocked at my language but still laughing about something. I waved them off before going to my locker quickly, getting out my English materials and closing it when my back came in contact with someone. I turned around to apologize, but then realized it was Eli, who's smirk was bigger than ever.

"Oh, um, sorry." I stumbled out, and he chuckled, waving a hand to say it was no big deal.

"It's fine." He muttered, scratching and rubbing the back of his neck, looking antsy. "So, do you want to walk with me to English?" He asked of me, and I nodded with a shy smile.

"Sure." I said, turning to stride with him down the hallway.

"So, vampire fiction, huh?" He remembered, smiling mischievously, and I groaned.

"Please, for my sake, do not _ever_ bring that up again." I begged him, laughing shortly.

"Okay, you win." He said, holding his hands up as he let my walk in through the classroom door first. I sat down in a desk in the back of the class, and he chose a seat right in front of me, making me smile inwardly. Students flooded into the classroom, each taking a seat before starting their annoyingly loud chatter. Eli turned around suddenly, opening his mouth to tell me something when he shut his mouth and clenched his eyes shut, cursing under his breath when Ms. Dawes started talking.

"Ladies and gents, we happen to have a new student here at Degrassi. Elijah, can you please raise your hand?" She searched the room and found him, giving him a pointed look, and he raised his hand halfway. A couple of friendly people said 'hey' to him, and he nodded in return as he put his hand down. "Now that we've gotten that out there, we're starting something new this year with this school." She started, making eye contact with every single person in the room. "This year, you will choose an English partner. He or she will edit and revise your writing, etc. etc. Now, take a minute to pick your partner." She said with a smile, and I was taken by surprise when Eli whipped his head around.

"Partner?" He asked me, turning around. I smiled at him.

"Partner." I confirmed, making him chuckle quietly before turning back around in his seat.

"Raise your hand if you didn't find yourself a partner." Ms. Dawes asked the class, and no hands were risen, so she continued. "Now comes your first assignment. Write at least five paragraphs about someone or something that changed your life, and let your partner edit it. Then, take it home and type it up to bring in tomorrow." She finished, and a series of audible groans were heard throughout the classroom. She laughed as she sat back down at her desk, taking out a small book and opening it to a certain page. Eli turned his chair around, and sat in it backwards, smiling slightly.

"So, what're you gonna' write about? _Twilight?_" He said snarkily, chuckling at my glaring expression.

"No." I said, my smile breaking through my menacing glare, making him laugh once again. I was surprised he hadn't brought up the lie I told Adam at lunch. It was actually kind of… sweet that he didn't pester me about it or expect me to tell him anything. I loved it. "Lets get started, then." I said, coughing quietly and shooting him a small smile when he glanced at me for a reaction. He smirked in return, and I almost had to rip my eyes away from him to turn around to get my notebook. I set it on the desk in front of me, not having a clue what to write about. I couldn't write about this summer… I just can't. Not yet. So, what choices did I have? I guess I could write about my dad. He was hardly ever home, and when he was, he was fighting with my mom. I started out with that, and after I filled the front and back of the page, I scooted it over to Eli's desk. He'd been done for a few minutes, now, and he was coloring on his nails with a sharpie marker. He smirked again when he took my paper, making me bite my lower lip with my teeth as I grabbed his notebook, his assignment half a page longer than mine. My eyes trailed down the page, reading his wordy paragraphs about how music changed his life and filled it with things that were lacking otherwise. It was interesting, actually. I didn't know that music could change someone, or help them for that matter. I changed a few grammar mistakes and placed it back on his desk, watching as he touched a red pen to my assignment, fixing things here and there. He gave it back to me, offering me a small smile, and I took it before returning the favor.

"Sorry 'bout your parents." He sympathized, and I waved my hand, gesturing that it wasn't a big deal. Because it wasn't, at least not compared to what _I'd _done. I shook the thoughts away, putting them back in their original place in the back of my mind.

"It's fine." I said, reassuring him that it wasn't that big of a deal. He shrugged, closing his notebook and putting it back in his bag. We still had about ten minutes left of class.

"What's your favorite color?" He asked me curiously, staring at me with those emerald eyes.

"Green." I answered without thinking. "Why?" I questioned him, giggling shortly. He shrugged, not explaining himself.

"What's your _least_ favorite color?" He asked this time, and a flashback of the car accident came back to my mind. I remembered the blood everywhere I looked in the car.

"Red." I answered, looking down, trying to push the thoughts away again. "Why are you asking me all these questions?" I asked him, succeeding in returning my thoughts to the back of my mind. He shrugged.

"We have time to kill." He said casually, already thinking of another question as his eyes were directed to somewhere else in the room. He had an interesting choice of words, only making the little pangs of guilt return.

"What's _your_ favorite color?" I questioned, making it my turn.

"Blue." He answered immediately, and I laughed. "What?" He asked, confused, and I only shook my head.

"I just assumed it would be black." I told him bluntly, and he smirked.

"Why am I not surprised? I guess it's happened before." He said, sighing dramatically, looking off into space with a sly smile on his face. I giggled, my laugh sounding so strange in contrast to what I felt like on the inside. "Okay, now, you try to guess what I drive." He said playfully, waiting for my guesses. What kind of question is this?

"I don't know, there are tons of them!" I exclaimed, trying to think of some off of the top of my head. "Um… a corvette? A runner?" I guessed, and he shook his head to both. "I give up, then." I told him exasperatedly, and his smirk suddenly returned.

"I drive a hearse." He said as if it were normal, and on the inside I was curious, but I kept it at bay on the outside.

"Hm. Cool." I said, jutting out my lower lip and nodding.

"Cool? You don't think that's weird?" He questioned, surprised at my reaction.

"You can drive what you want." I said, shrugging my shoulders as I checked the clock on the wall, observing the time. There was only a minute left, so I packed up my notebook and pen and stuffed it inside my bag. Eli followed my lead, his face apparent that he was considering something.

"You want a ride in Morty?" He asked, and my eyebrows pinned together.

"_Morty?_" I questioned, and he nodded.

"My hearse. You still didn't answer my question." He pointed out, and I contemplated this. What did I have to lose by this?

"You named your hearse." I said with a giggle, and he gave me a pointed look as the bell rang. "Sure, I'd love to." I answered, and he genuinely smiled at me as we got up from our desks and headed for the door.

"Meet me in the parking lot after school? Don't worry, I'll make sure to take the bodies out of the back ahead of time." He said, looking serious, but I knew he was kidding.

"Yeah, sure." I replied, and he chuckled.

"Okay, see you then, _Clare-Bear."_ He said as we parted ways, and I groaned loudly as I heard the nickname he'd picked up from Adam. I heard him laugh loudly as he turned a corner, and I made my way to my next class. The class went by slowly since it was the last class of the day, and I sighed happily when I heard the bell ring. But I immediately took it back, because after Eli and I rode around in 'Morty', I'd have to go back home to the screaming, crashing, and the constant guilt seeing Darcy's pictures on the walls. For seemingly the millionth time that day, I shook the thoughts away and strode to my locker, opening it and gathering up all of my homework. When I finished, I walked through the front doors, seeing Eli leaning against a railing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for me. I smiled as I walked up to him, and he returned the favor when he saw me coming towards him.

"Ready?" He asked me, and I nodded, scanning the parking lot for Morty.

"Should I be scared?" I asked him skeptically, raising my left eyebrow. He laughed.

"Oh, _very."_ He replied, which made me smile again. Adam saw us then, coming down the stairs and striding over to us.

"Hey man." He greeted, bumping fists with Eli. "Hey Clare-Bear." He said to me, shooting me a smile. I returned it. "What're you guys doing?" He questioned, looking confused.

"We're going for a ride in Morty. Want to come with?" Eli offered, and Adam shook his head sadly.

"Can't. My mom, who is the strictest mother ever, is coming to pick up Drew and me." He explained, sighing in annoyance. Eli raised his eyebrows.

"Good luck with that." He told Adam, laughing when Adam turned around and started walking towards a car.

"I'll need it." He said before turning around, and a few seconds later, he called something over his shoulder. "Use protection!" Adam called, and you could hear his laugh over all of the bustle of the parking lot. My face now adorned a dark pink hue, and I'm sure Eli noticed, because he only smirked, not saying anything.

"Let's go." He said after a minute, keeping eye contact with me as he walked ahead of me backwards, turning around after a second. I can't believe Adam said that! Now things are going to be awkward.

"Can we pretend that the last two minutes didn't happen?" I pleaded jokingly, and he laughed.

"Gladly." He answered, approaching a long, black hearse on the side of the parking lot. Woah. This thing was really decked out. It had a skull hood ornament, curtains in the back windows, more ornaments on the back, and even two smiley faces hanging from the rearview mirror in front. Eli glanced at my expression and smiled. "Do you like it? No?" He questioned, and I closed my gaping mouth.

"It's so _pretty."_ I complimented, and he made a face.

"That wasn't what I was expecting. You do know this is a hearse, right?" He asked amusedly, and I giggled.

"I can see that." I answered as he opened the passenger door for me, and I thanked him quietly as I sat down on the bench. He shut the door and jogged around to the driver's side, and climbed in and fished his eyes out of his pocket. He started the hearse, it making a low, scary grumbling noise as he started to drive forward. I glanced at the two smiley faces hanging from the rearview mirror, and I almost laughed as I saw how out of place they looked compared to the rest of the hearse. Eli reached for the dial on the radio, then changed his mind as he turned down the volume a ton first, then turned it on. Quiet rock music flowed from the speakers, and I smiled as I recognized the voice of the lead singer of Dead Hand.

"No way. You listen to Dead Hand?" I asked incredulously, and he nodded with excitement.

"They're only my _favorite band."_ He answered, still keeping his eyes on the road.

"I thought Adam and I were the only ones that have even _heard _of them." I told him, and he shook his head.

"My dad works at a radio station, so he brings home all kinds of music." He explained, and I nodded, soaking all of this in. Then I remembered that I didn't have a clue where he was taking me.

"Where are we going, exactly?" I asked him, and he only shrugged. He seemed to be doing that a lot.

"_You_ tell _me."_ He said, halting at a stop sign, looking at me. An idea sparked in my mind.

"Want to go on an urban adventure?" I asked him, knowing of a place that I go to every now and then to cure my boredom.

"Lead the way." He said, smirking as I pointed for him to go to the right. I gave him directions until we were near my hideaway, and I told him to stop in front of a chain-link fence that said '_No trespassing'._ He gave me questioning look.

"Just follow me." I told him, getting out of the hearse and shutting the car door. I opened the gate, and made my way a few feet down the path before I looked back to see that Eli was following me. I followed the path until I came across a fork in the dirt path, and I turned left, knowing the way. I started to come across pieces of brick, and I smiled as I knew we were close. I turned around a tree, and there it was. An old, crumbled church, aging and cracking as plants found their way through the fissures in the blocks. I turned to Eli to see his reaction, and his mouth was smiling wide while it was gaping. I smiled in satisfaction and walked up to stand on the structure and called him up there, and he was soon exploring the place with looks of awe on his face.

"This is amazing." He told me, brushing his fingers over an old, cracked window. I explained to him how I had found the path one day while I was riding my bike, and how I had followed the left side of the dire pathway to find this place. We stayed there for about half an hour longer after that, just talking and laughing about pointless things. Afterwards, we made our way back to Morty, and Eli drove off down the road after we closed the gate and got in. I loved that I wasn't wallowing in my own self-hatred, and if I was at home, there was no doubt that that would be what I'd be doing right now. But that sweetness didn't last long, because I had to get home.

"I should get home." I said to Eli sadly, and he nodded, his smirk fading.

"Okay. Give me directions." He answered, looking slightly less happier than he'd been a few minutes ago. He looked depressed that our fun would end soon, and I have no clue why, but that gave me a small boost of satisfaction. I pointed directions for a few streets until we turned onto mine. My eyes widened as I saw that my dad's cruiser was parked in the driveway.

_He was back? Where had he been for the past two weeks? What had he been doing? _

"Here we are." Eli said, parking Morty in the street and turning off the engine. I just stared at my house, scared of the fighting and crashing that I knew would happen. "Clare? You okay?" He asked with concern, and I nodded.

"Everything's fine." I lied, hoping he wouldn't see through me like he had before. Unfortunately, he did. His eyes were narrowed into doubtful and worried wide slits, watching me.

"Can I borrow a pen, quick?" He asked me, and I was curious as to why he needed one.

"Yeah, one second." I replied, digging around in my bag until I found a black pen. I gave it to him, and he took my hand, which made me blush for all the reasons I knew I shouldn't be. He smirked as he noticed my shyness, but I watched as he wrote his number on my hand.

"If you want to call me… for, you know, help with an English assignment or something." He explained, and I nodded, taking my pen back and taking his hand in mine, spreading it out. I wrote my cell phone number and my IM username on his hand.

"If I ever… need help with a paper, I'll call you." I said, smiling shyly, and putting my pen back in my bag.

_Was I flirting? Oh my goodness, I was._

After I put my pen away, I turned back to him about to thank him for the ride, when I saw him staring intently at my thigh. My heart beat sped up as I followed his gaze, only to see the large band-aid, surrounded by both scars and healing cuts. I gulped as I looked back up at him, and his eyes were wide, glancing from my thigh to my face, looking like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. His mouth kept opening and shutting, as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn't find any words. I felt claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in on me and there wasn't enough air to breathe. It seemed as if the air had thickened, and it was almost impossible to inhale it into my lungs.

I had to get out of here.

I pulled my shorts to cover up my self-mutilation, the familiar stinging behind my eyes coming back. A tear welled up, and I grabbed the car handle and pulled it, stepping out and saying a quick goodbye to him. His car door opened, and he stepped out to come after me.

"Clare, wai-" He started, but I was already through my front door. As soon as it shut, I let the tears threatening to escape fall from the rims of my eyes. Screaming was coming from the kitchen, ultimately the aftermath of the return of my dad. I didn't want to stand there and listen to it, knowing that the constant fighting was my fault, too. I raced upstairs, crashing into my bedroom, and shutting the door. I peeked out my window through my pale purple curtains, and saw that Eli had gotten back in his hearse. He was staring at something, assumedly his steering wheel. I watched for a few more minutes, and eventually, I heard his car start up, and he drove away. I whipped the curtains closed, furious with myself that I'd let Eli see my dirty little secret. I pressed my forehead to the wooden frame of my window, and clenched fist pound onto the wall as more tears fell.

I ruined everything. My sister's life, my sanity, my parent's marriage, and now my budding friendship with Eli. What if he wanted to talk about it tomorrow at school? Would he ask questions, and demand answers? Well, even if he wanted them, I wouldn't give in. If I gave in, he would know everything. What I'd done, how horrible a person I am, and how lame an excuse I was to keep breathing this air when I shouldn't deserve to. I felt an urge to go back in my bathroom and find the razor wrapped up in that paper towel, but instead I blinked away the tears and opened up my bag, pulling out my journal. This was one of the only things that kept me sane enough to continue on, to act normal, to be the excellent actress that I knew I was. As I touched my black pen to the paper, the words flowed effortlessly.

_I read a poem the other day. It said that when we do something wrong, it's tempting to feel really guilty in the hope that by making ourselves suffer, we can make everything okay. Is that right? Did that person hit it right on the dot? They couldn't have. Because even though every day is living hell knowing what I did, the offense won't make everything okay. It won't make me go back in time and change everything, it won't make this any easier. I wonder if this shame and sorrow is anything like what it feels like to be dead. _

_That's what I feel like inside. I feel dead, like this crushing shame has hollowed me out into a shell of who I used to be. And I can't say that I'll be okay. My nights are filled with these tears, these guilty, pained tears, that I can no longer control. I feel like it's my toll to pay for letting her die, for making her look away from the road for only a second. I wish I could just rewind time, and press play so I can do everything over again. _

_But I know I can't. That game is far past over, and I already made my play. Now, it's time for me to put on my best act, to put back on that cloak-like façade that I disguise myself with. But it's not a matter of being able to disguise your feelings, it's being able to hide them and morph them into what you want and make them fit where you desire. Me? I fit them in the back of my head, in the farthest part of my brain, so that the remorse doesn't show through for the whole world while I put on my 'cloak'._

_I'm a life ruiner. I take away peoples' happiness like a magnet. All of this happiness that people have inside them stand there right in front of my face, mocking me and trying to absorb into my skin, but only to be repelled out. I don't deserve the happiness, I don't deserve anything. I don't even deserve to be breathing all of this oxygen right now. But I know I deserve this guilt that I pay for every day, I deserve everything I've had coming for me. _

My writing was interrupted when I heard the soft _ping_ noise come from my laptop on my desk. I closed my journal, the ink and tears being closed off until I have to preserve my sanity again. I wiped the tears streaking down my face as I got up from my bed, sitting in my desk chair and staring at the text window that was open. It was there right in front of me, and I had to force myself to open up my IM window, ready to play the act that I make myself perform. What I saw shocked me, and only made my tears fall harder as it finally sunk in that my coping mechanism was revealed.

**Eli-Gold49: I'm coming back to get you. We need to talk. **

**.**

**.**

**. **

_**End of Chapter 3. **_

**Dun-Dun-DUN! Cliffhanger, ahaha. I know how much people love those cliffy's. (:**

**Soo, did you like this chapter, or did you hate it? Leave a review, please. _***Hint hint, they make me write chapters quicker. ;)_**

**-Emmy.**


	4. He Understands

**Holy shit, you guys. 12 reviews for the last chapter. Virtual candy rewards for everyone, hahaa. Thanks, guys. And a special thank you to the lovelie who isn't fangirling on anything, but if she were, she said it would be on this story. That one made me laugh, like, a lot. Sooo anyway, enough with this mindless rambling, let's get on with this! R&R!**

***Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. But, I'll make sure to add it onto my bucket list. **

What do I do? Walk down there and wait for him? I have to. Otherwise he'll knock on the door, making my parents arguing even worse if they were interrupted. I wiped my tears, courage overtaking me as I opened my bedroom door, my parents' screaming filling my ears. I tried to block it out as I went down the stairs, slipping out the front door without an incident. I sat down on the bottom step of my cement porch, dreading seeing Eli's hearse pull up in the street. I bit my lip and twisted my purity ring on my finger out of habit. It didn't mean anything, why did I even have it on? It's just a prop for my show, my acting debut. I eyed my shorts, seeing the small corner of the band-aid peeking out from under the denim, and I pulled the fabric over the evidence nervously. My teeth bit down on my lower lip, a nervous tick of mine that I'd adapted since I was little. I couldn't sit still, playing with my hands and tapping my foot furiously, so fearful, worried, and nervous at the same time.

Here I was, my dirty little secret exposed, out in the open. I was waiting for a boy that I'd just met today, a friendship that I'd completely blown. And to top it all off, he's expecting me to tell him everything; what's wrong with me, why I'm hurting myself, why I'm _so messed up._ No way in _hell_ am I letting him in on my guilt-ridden summer. It destroyed me, broke me. But not nearly as much as I had destroyed and broke Darcy.

Darcy.

My sister, who's _dead_ because of me and my ignorance.

"_Shit." _I muttered when a black vintage hearse drove up, halting in the street. I stood up shakily, and watched as Eli leaned across the large bench seat to open my door for me from the inside. I climbed in and shut the door, fixing my shorts and my sleeves so nothing was revealed to him again. Eli kept his eyes ahead and just kept driving -where to?- I had no idea. He drove onto a street with tall houses, and I was surprised when he pulled into a driveway that I assumed was his. I got out, not saying a word, as Eli walked ahead of me to the side of his house. I followed behind him until we came to a dark wooded gate, and he clicked open the latch. The gate opened with a creaking noise, and then I pieced it all together.

He was taking me into his backyard. Why there?

I walked forward as he stayed back to lock the gate, and I took this time to survey his backyard. It was huge, easily as big a lot as the one his house was sitting on. There were flower beds in the far corner, the array of colors standing tall and very close to one another. In the other corner, there were two trees, a hammock tied between them seeming snug and secure. Large boulders lined the back of the yard, and beyond the huge rocks was an expanse of greenbelt with tall grasses and a few flowers here and there.

"Come here." Eli spoke behind me, the first words he'd uttered since he'd picked me up. He trailed ahead of me until we came to the back of the yard, and then to the very far corner. He sat down on the ground, his back against a boulder, and I sat down a few feet away from him, sitting cross-legged. The hammock and trees were a good ten feet away from us, making this spot not visible from the sliding glass doors on the back of the house. We sat there for a good few minutes, he kept opening his mouth like he wanted to say something, but then closed it abruptly as he changed his mind again. Finally, he spoke.

"Why?" He questioned, redirecting his eyes and suddenly seeming very intrigued by the small pebble he had in his palm. What was I supposed to say? I'm certainly not telling him the truth; not any of it. That one word, _one little word, _was making me like this.

_Why._ There are so many answers to that question. None of them seem to fit. And the ones that do, reveal everything that I've been trying to hide. From Adam, Ali, my family… or, at least if my parents still fit that description. I've hidden in from everyone _so well. _I'm not blowing this. So, I gave him a one-word response in return.

"Guilt." I said shortly, rubbing my fading scars on my wrist through my shirt with my fingers. He didn't question, he didn't pry, he just sat there.

"Whatever it is… don't beat yourself up over it." He told me, still staring at the tiny rock in his hand.

"You don't even know what you're talking about." I said angrily, laughing sickly. "You don't know a thing." I shook my head, a disbelieving smile on my face.

"You're right. I don't." He told me, taking his eyes off the pebble for once. "But I know what it feels like."

"You don't know _shit!"_ I yelled, in awe that he thought he could even relate to this gut-wrenching, horrible, guilty feeling. He rustled around, scooting closer to me, only making me angrier and scooting farther away from him.

"Look at me." His voice was stern, like it was trying not to break. I kept my eyes on the ground, too angry to spare him a glance. He can't relate to me. Nobody ever will. _"Look. At. Me."_ He said slowly, enunciating each word. I whipped my head around, anger radiating from my skin.

"What." I said coldly, glaring daggers at him. He shook his arm, and in my peripheral vision, I saw that he'd shrugged out of his blazer, leaving him in only his plain white crew-neck shirt. He shook his arm again.

"_Look." _He urged me, his eyes leaving mine to glance at his arm pointedly. I finally looked at his arm, and what I saw shocked even me, and made my anger towards him disappear. His arm matched mine, purple-ish white deep scars filling every single inch of the surface. I kept my face straight, analyzing the pale, shiny lines all over his forearms, some going up even to his bicep.

"Why did you show me this?" I asked quietly, my eyes never leaving his arm, which was in much worse condition than mine.

"You wouldn't listen to me otherwise." He pointed out, his eyes redirected elsewhere while my eyes couldn't break away from his scars.

"You still don't know me." I shook my head at him. "You don't know anything."

"See what I was talking about? You aren't listening." He stated bluntly, and flares of anger stirred up inside me.

"You aren't even _saying_ anything!" I shouted, throwing my hands in the air, glaring at him in disbelief.

"'Cause you're too stubborn to let me talk." He said, staying surprisingly calm. I crossed my arms with a cocked eyebrow, waiting for him to tell me whatever he was leading up to. "I know that I only just met you today. I know that I barely know anything about you other than your favorite and least favorite colors." He shot me a small smile, but it quickly faltered. "But don't keep everything bottled up." He told me, and the tears welled up as I yet again reached the dead end of this tunnel.

"See, I have to." I said, wiping the tears with my sleeve. This was the verdict I was always stuck with, I had no way out. There was no loophole, there was only one option. "You don't know what I'm faced with every day." I defended again, making him sigh.

"That's the thing. I have a pretty good idea what you feel like. You said you're guilty about something, right?" He questioned, staring at me before I nodded a yes. "Well, I'm probably just as guilty as you are." He told me, and I shook my head.

"Does the guilt sock you in the gut every time you look in the mirror? Does it creates its own place in your mind?" I blurted out, quickly closing my eyes and slapping my hand over my mouth. The tears were falling rapidly now, every time one fell, a new one would take its place.

This was the last place I wanted to break down, probably the last person I wanted to be with when it happened. But I guess I couldn't control it anymore. My hands shook, and I clasped them together, but they only turned into a large trembling ball. I hugged my knees to my chest, turning so that my back was to Eli as I leaned against the rocks, wishing they'd disappear and take me with them. Memories of Darcy pounded my brain, a new round of emotional agony ripping through my mind with each one, only coaxing more and more tears from my stinging eyes. Sobs racked through my chest, sounding out of place as birds chirped and leaves rustled with the wind. I felt someone curl up next to me and envelope me in their arms, and as I smelled the minty, indescribable scent, I knew it was Eli. I bawled into his chest, not even caring that I'd only met him today.

He understood, no matter how much I wanted to deny it.

He didn't say a word, he just held me. He must have laid there with me for at least half an hour as the small whimpers and sobs struggled to escape. I wish I could somehow sink into the dirt I was lying on top of, bury myself in it so I would finally get what I deserve for killing my sister. A whole new series of sobs started then, my thoughts just making everything flood back. After a few minutes, I got myself together, my sobs ceasing but tears still straggling down my cheeks and onto Eli's shirt. My hands clutched the fabric as I lifted my head to look at him, his green eyes full of empathy.

"_Sorry." _I said quietly, a small, wry laugh escaping my lips. He grinned slightly at my change of heart.

"S'okay." He answered, his hand absentmindedly twisting a piece of my curly hair on his finger. My cheeks warmed, a light pink blush now adorning them. I stared at the wet spots on his shirt, my shyness kicking in. My heart stuttered when Eli's index finger removed itself from my hair, instead pushing my chin up to look at him.

Before I knew what was happening, his lips crashed down onto mine, and it only took me a few seconds to respond. His lips were soft and somehow full of understanding, if that even makes sense. But I couldn't really even make sense of _anything_, this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach flaring up as our lips moved together. How did this even happen? I came up with no answer, but I didn't move to stop it, either. He pulled away first, staring into my eyes, full of something unknown. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ma-" He stumbled, but I interrupted him with a shy giggle, staring at my hands.

"It's fine. Really." I reassured him, shooting him a bashful smile before reverted my eyes to my lap. He appeared to be contemplating something, an apprehensive look in his face.

"If I ever told you what I did… would you tell me what happened to you?" He questioned hesitantly and in seemingly deep thought. Should I ever tell him? _Could_ I ever tell him? There was yet another question I didn't have the answer to, but it seemed like that was how life is.

"Maybe." I answered truthfully, knowing I would probably regret this when the time came that he expected me to tell him. I'd never told anyone, not even my own parents, my side of the story. They didn't know that I'd killed their eldest daughter, they didn't know what a guilty liar I was.

This was one of those times when I remembered that random Chuck Palahniuk quote, one that I'd had to read more than few times to fully understand.

'_When you have blood on your hands, the distinction between physical and emotional scars doesn't define you. No matter how you perceive those you have, they'll always be there. Don't hold your breath, because they'll never fade or disappear. Don't wait for them to, either, because you'll never be able to forget your past, it'll always haunt you like a thick fog. It surrounds you and engulfs you, leaving you to dwell in it until you finally break. You'll never forget.'_

Eli drove me back home later, and I flashed him a smile that had actually reached my eyes for once before disappearing behind my front door. As soon as it shut, the sound of my screaming and yelling parents invaded my senses, filling my ears with the familiar selfish and pointless bickering. I went straight up to my room, which was nothing new. Locking the door, before I laid down in bed, an unknown emotion filled my body to the brim.

_Eli… he understood._

**_End of Chapter 4. _**

**So, that 'quote' at the end wasn't Palahniuk, it was just something I came up withh. I loved that unexpected kiss, it made me have to get up and giggle while I was writing it. Haha. Is that normal? I hope so. So yeahh. Do your thaaaang and review please? **


	5. I'm So Sorry

**I am soo insanely sorry for the lack of updates. High school has been hectic, and I've had so much on my mind that every chance I got to write, nothing sounding like how I wanted it to. **

_**Jess:**_** I tried to reply to you, but this stupid website wouldn't let me PM you back. Yes, this story is partially based off of my life. Yes, I know all of the guilt and these feelings because I've had a similar experience, I just wasn't there to see what I'd done like how Clare had. **

**Here it is, I worked on it all weekend. (;**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

I feel so strange. I always thought that no one would understand, that I would forever be plagued by this physically painful guilt. But like I said before, no matter how much I wanted to deny what was right in front of me, there was someone who understood. I had only met _that someone_ yesterday. Oh god, I barely knew him. But _he understands._ I'm not sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. What would it lead to? Would I have to tell him why I don't deserve to be breathing right now? I wouldn't do it. No way in hell would I ever do it.

These were my thoughts while I was getting ready for school today. I have so much to lose, my sanity being the first to go. My shirt was royal blue and long-sleeved, slightly baggy and had bold red letters that I didn't waste time to read. I slipped on a pair of light jean shorts, so light that they almost looked white, and fixed them so they covered my thighs. I put a fresh band-aid on my upper thigh, making sure to fit it on so it wouldn't peek out from under my shorts. My bare feet walked across the hardwood floor of my bedroom until they came to my dresser that had a large mirror mounted on the wall above it. I dug around in my drawer until I found my eyeliner, adding a thin line of the black make-up to my bottom and top lid. Mascara soon followed, and I was halfway through when my eyes landed on the small wallet-sized picture of my sister tucked into the very top right corner of the mirror. The guilt crept back as I stared straight at it, her light brown eyes looking into the lens, complimenting her confident grin. It made me sick to my stomach, seeing that picture in the very far corner of my mirror every morning. But I had to put it there, it was like some sick reminder of what I did… _I killed my sister._

_This way, I won't ever forget it. _

.

.

.

I decided against taking my car to school. As I walked into the parking lot of Degrassi, I saw Morty in his special parking spot on the side of the lot. I few feet away, I saw Eli standing there talking to Adam. I was mentally debating with myself whether I should walk over there or not, and I finally decided to put on my big girl underpants and go over there. They were talking in hushed tones, nodding every few seconds, and once Adam's eyes caught mine, he clamped his mouth shut. Eli soon followed as he looked over his shoulder at me, and he offered me a small smile. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. What were they talking about that was making them seem secretive? Eli glanced at Adam once, giving him a pointed look as I finally reached them, and Adam gave me a grin.

"Hey, Clare-Bear." Adam said, being obvious that he was hiding something. My gaze turned to Eli, my eyes turning into accusatory slits.

"_What did you tell him?" _I breathed, hoping that my fear and shaking hands weren't apparent to either of them. I gripped my fingers together, masking the fear-induced trembling in a ball.

"_I didn't tell him anything, Clare. And I don't plan to." _He whispered. When my facial expression didn't change, he continued. _"Trust me."_ He said sincerely, and surprisingly, I did. I unclenched my hands, letting them fall to my sides as I inaudibly blew out a long breath. He offered me another small smile, and this time I returned it, silently thanking him. Adam cleared his throat, and we both turned our head towards him to see him looking between us with a cocked eyebrow.

"I don't know what you two were just talking about, but if it was about whatever you two did yesterday after school, I definitely don't want details…" He said playfully, muttering an '_ow'_ when I smacked his arm. Eli chuckled beside me. "Abuse, much?" Adam kidded, and I scoffed jokingly. "Anyway, Clarey, me and Eli were just talking about whether or not you'd want to go to a movie with us after school. You in?" He asked me, and Eli shot me a look that said '_I told you so'._ I rolled my eyes and replied,

"Sure, I'd love to." Adam smiled and patted my shoulder in a friendly way before he turned and started walking for the school. Eli and I soon followed, trailing behind him. Adam was a few feet ahead of us while Eli and I walked side by side, enjoying the silence as I looked up at the overcast sky. You couldn't see a single smidgen of blue, everything was laced with thick, wispy clouds. The gray stretched over every bit of blue, the dull color hiding the sky's true shade. _Kind of like me, _I thought, not sure how the similarity made me feel. I looked down at the pavement instead, deciding that it wasn't a good feeling. Something brushed my hand, and I looked down to see Eli's hand flinching away from mine as they accidentally collided. A blush cascaded across my face, and I silently hoped that it wasn't noticeable. He muttered a quiet sorry before his smirk returned to his face, only making my blush darken. I moved my attention elsewhere, my eyes landing on his dark purple _Dead Hand_ shirt, a black sweatshirt over it, covering it halfway as the zipper stopped mid-logo.

"Nice shirt." I commented, and his looked down at his shirt and then back at me, his smirk in place.

"Do you… want one?" He questioned, and I turned to him with a confused expression. "You know how my dad has his own radio show?" I nodded. "He gets free t-shirts all the time for playing peoples' music. There's a shitload of them at the station, that's where I get all mine from. Now, do you want one?" He asked again, and I beamed at him before nodding. He smiled in return, making me blush before he started to look around, surveying the parking lot as we both stopped. Adam walked ahead while we stayed here, and my confusion only grew as we stayed behind.

"Eli…?" I questioned, and he put his finger to my lips to silence me, and my face grew warm. He smirked.

"Let's go get you a t-shirt." He said sneakily, and my eyes widened as I moved his index finger from my mouth.

"School's about to start." I argued, and he gave me a look.

"You really want to stay here?" He pointed out, and I pursed my lips while I considered my odds. _He did have a point…_

"Point taken." I said quietly before running off into the parking lot, my yellow converse hitting the pavement with each stride between the many cars. I peeked my head around the car to see if Eli had ran with me, but my eyes met empty air. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked around.

"_Boo."_ A voice whispered in my ear, and I swear to god I probably jumped a foot in the air. My head whipped around, only to collide noses with a green-eyed, raven-haired boy. A very noticeable blush adorned my face as my hand flew to my nose, groaning as I felt it throbbing from the blow. "_Jesus, Edwards."_ Eli moaned as he cupped his nose in his hand, his eyes squeezed shut. He blew out a breath as he removed his hands from his face, only to see a dark red color coating his upper lip, some seeping between his lips and into his mouth. He held his hands out, covered in blood, and glanced at me as I just stared at them. The scarlet red color was smeared all over his hands, my wide eyes staring at the ugly color.

I had a brief flashback of when Darcy was covered in it, mangled and broken in the seat next to me in the car.

The familiar stinging behind my eyes returned, and I turned around to grab a pack of Kleenexes out of my backpack. While I was turned around, I quickly wiped the straggling tear with the cuff of my royal blue sweater, the tear spot making the fabric darker than the rest. I started dabbing at his upper lip, mumbling sorries and apologies as I wiped the blood from his lip. He kept assuring me that he was fine, that it was no big deal, that it was an accident. But I just kept dabbing, doing all I could to rid him of this awful shade or orangey-red. Once his lip was clear, I grabbed another tissue and he held it to his nose, leaning forward as he let the blood seep through the thin Kleenex. I was frantically searching for my hand sanitizer in the front pocket of my backpack, sighing in relief when I found it and squirting some onto Eli's hands, watching the red color disappear from his hands as he rubbed them together. I blew out a breath, telling him one more apology before I turned to put back the small bottle of hand sanitizer into my backpack. As I reached, I saw the small smear of blood on the palm of my hand, my breathing quickening as I stared at it.

I had Darcy's blood on my hands. Now I had Eli's, too. It only reminded me of July 7th. I quickly popped open the cap of the hand sanitizer, squeezing it onto my palm and rubbing my hands together at a frenzied rate, doing anything to get it off. I smiled when I saw it was gone, then it quickly faltered as I realized that my sick satisfaction was demoralizing and wrong.

"Never knew you were such a neat freak." Eli mumbled against the Kleenex, his gruff voice sounding slightly more nasally as he pressed the tissue to his nose.

"I'm not." I answered simply, tucking the sanitizer back in my bag. "I just don't like blood." He gave me a confused look, contorted and odd looking while he leaned forward with the tissue pressed to his face.

"I don't like it either." He told me, taking the Kleenex away from his nose to see the progress he was making with his nosebleed. "But it doesn't faze me when it's my own." He muttered, and I smirked as I had another thing in common with him. He looked down, picking his black bag up from the pavement and hiking it up on his shoulder.

"Can we walk?" I questioned, not replying to his comment of seeing his own blood.

"Yeah, that's fine." He answered, waiting for me to come up next to him before walking through the maze of cars. "Can I have another tissue?" He asked me, and I handed him another one as found the sidewalk. Eli's hearse was in view, only a few parking spots down, and we set our backpacks on the grass in front of it so we could get it later when we came back to go to the movie with Adam.

"Where's the radio station?" He pointed somewhere to the distance, showing me.

"It's a few streets down from my house." He explained, lowering his hand. I nodded my head slowly as I tucked my hand in my pocket, checking the time. 8:23 A.M. "Want to play twenty questions?" He asked randomly, and my eyebrows pulled together before I agreed. "Favorite food?"

"Chocolate chip muffins. You?" I said to him.

"Apples." He answered after a few seconds of pondering. I scoffed.

"That was quite a lame answer." I pointed out, and he chuckled.

"Can't really argue with that. Favorite Band?" He chuckled.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm skipping school just to get a Dead Hand t-shirt." I giggled, and he smirked.

"Point taken." He said before walking into the radio station parking lot. "There's one tiny detail I forgot to tell you about." Eli turned around with a hesitant look on his face. I cocked one eyebrow, asking for an explanation without words. "We can't let my dad see us." He stated, cringing as he let me take in his words. He must not have gotten the reaction he wanted, his smirk came back when my lips tugged up at the sides.

"Is that a challenge?" I questioned kiddingly, looking up at the sky while pursing my lips, the smile apparent.

"If you want it to be." He smirked before jogging off to the side of the relatively small building, and I rolled my eyes before going after him. I saw him slowly and carefully opening a door on the side of the structure, gesturing me to follow him before going inside. _What was I doing? I should be suffering for what I did to Darcy, not skipping to school to get a fucking t-shirt with a stupid smile on my face, actually having an ounce of fun for once…_ I attempted to push these thoughts out of my head before following him through the door. I stepped inside, eyeing the pumpkin-orange carpet and dark grey walls, red light fixtures hanging from the ceiling. _Hmm, fancy for a radio station._

"You coming?" Eli peeked around a corner and said to me in a hushed tone. He didn't wait for an answer, only waving his hand for me to follow him. We crept quietly down the hall, side by side, looking over our shoulders at regular time intervals. He froze as we crossed a glass-windowed room, and I stepped back a few feet to see what he was staring at. There was a man in the room, gruff and looking like he was in the wrong decade, his hair curling like men styled it in the fifties. He had headphones on, nodding every few seconds to the music flowing into his ears, his feet propped up on the desk as he read the back of a CD case. I turned to Eli with a questioning look.

"_That's my dad." _He whispered so faintly I barely heard him. My eyes widened in recognition, taking another glance at the man in the glass room, watching certain buttons flash greens and reds. _"Put your hood up." _He breathed.

"_I don't have one!" _I exclaimed in a hushed tone, and he sighed inaudibly.

"_Just, um… walk on the other side of me."_ He ordered, and I complied as he tossed the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, making me laugh quietly at his secretiveness. He shushed me with wide eyes, not wanting to be caught, and I mentally kicked myself. We walked gingerly across the orange carpet, biting my lip as I heard the floor creak quietly, squeezing my eyes shut as I continued walking. Eli breathed a sigh of relief as we made it away from the glass room, stopping in front of a door that read: '_STORAGE. EMPLOYEES ONLY._' He grinned before opening the door, revealing many cardboard boxes, the contents unknown. "Here we are." He said, a smug smirk on his face as he shut the door behind us, slinging his hood back down from his head, looking normal now. He walked past me and to several boxes in the back, opening box after box, searching for something in particular. _"Aha." _He mumbled as he set the lid from the box down on the floor. He gestured for me to come over, and I grinned when I saw a dark purple color protruding from the corner of the cardboard. He picked it up, holding it out in front of him and glancing at me before looking back at it again. "Are you a medium or a small?" He asked, and a light blush cascaded my face before answering.

"Medium." I told him.

"Heads up." He warned before throwing it to me, and I caught it in my chest before holding it out in front of me, glancing at the same shirt that Eli was wearing, the Dead Hand logo apparent amongst the dark grey writing. I squealed lightly, and I heard a small chuckle come from him.

"Thank you thank you thank you." I praised him, folding it over my arm before holding it close to my stomach. He waved his hand, dismissing it.

"It's no problem." He closed the cover of the box before holding out a dog-tag necklace, the edges sealed in a black shiny plastic as he palmed it in his hand. He strode over to me with a smirk, placing it in my hand, blushing when he opened my hand to place it on my palm. I stared at it, a smile creeping up on my face as I saw the blue-ish purple color of the dog-tag, the Dead Hand symbol clearly etched into the metal. My eyes looked at Eli in disbelief as he pulled a similar necklace from the neckline of his shirt, showing me that he had the same one.

"This. Is. So. _Cool!"_ I exclaimed with a wondrous expression, hearing Eli's laughter erupt from his throat. "I owe you _big time."_ I told him, and he smirked. Then I realized that I had much more to owe him for than just this free merchandise he gave me. "Hey, thanks again. For not telling Adam about…" I trailed off, not wanting to utter the words aloud. _Cutting myself. _He flashed a small smile, empathy and knowing clear in his expression. He acknowledged my thank you with a curt nod.

"We should get going…" He said aloud, checking his vintage gold-colored watch on his wrist. I nodded before walking to the door, his hand reaching out in front of me to open the door for me. My feet stepped through the frame before quietly thanking him. He smirked as he quietly shut the door. "Where will we go after this?" He questioned as my five-dollar thrift-store yellow converse hit the orange carpet of the hallway.

"I'm not sure." I smiled as we walked on, my t-shirt and necklace still clutched to my stomach. We got closer and closer to the glass room again, and before Eli could even put his hood up once again, the wooden door opened with a small creak. Strong arms pulled me through the nearest door, only to find that it was a small utility closet. There was a small vent-like structure in the door, allowing some light to flow in, but only in faint small lines. His expression was smirking but shocked at the same time, staring at me as I blushed at our proximity. He put his index finger to my lips as we heard clomping footsteps go on down the hall until they were barely heard. A small shred of light shined into his eyes, highlighting the forest green irises of his eyes, making me stare intently as the light danced across them. He appeared to be seeing the same thing with my eyes, for he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear as he started into my eyes directly. He stepped forward, looking from my eyes to my lips, and I was scared to death that he would hear my heart pounding in my chest with anticipation.

_What the hell was happening? Why was I letting this go on?_

Those questions were thrown to the back of my mind as Eli leaned closer, his face only inches from mine, and I met him halfway as our lips brushed against one another's. I remembered how his lips felt from when he kissed me in his backyard yesterday, and it seemed like they were even more gentle than they were yesterday. He covered my upper lip with his mouth, moving it against my lips as I responded by returning the kiss. I felt him smirk against my mouth, making me smile as my heart fluttered when our kiss continued. Suddenly, a blow to my stomach made me gasp internally, and I knew the feeling like the back of my hand.

_Guilt. _

Why am I doing this? Why am I kissing my friend that I'd only know for a few days, in a darkened janitor's closet at a radio station? Why am I letting my desire to feel his lips on mine when I _killed my sister? _I don't deserve this fluttery feeling in my stomach, I don't deserve anything but this pain.

I yanked my face away from his, a tear clouding my eye as I saw Eli leaning close to me, looking dumbfounded by my retreat.

_I don't deserve to be happy._

I quickly turned the knob of the closet door, the light flooding into the small cramped space as my pace picked up when my feet hit the pumpkin carpet. A tear trickled down, and as I turned a corner, I saw the sign for the women's restroom.

"Clare!" Eli called out from far behind me, not caring about getting caught here or not. I wiped the tear with my hand, whipped it away as the guilt punched me in the gut repeatedly. The door flew open as I barged through it, digging in my pocket for what I knew would satisfy me.

A safety pin.

I dropped my necklace and t-shirt as I dove into the last stall, shutting it and closing the lid of the toilet as I sat down. I rode up my shorts until I saw the light purple scarring on my thighs, and I opened the safety pin while a tear dripped onto my leg. A fist pounded on the door of the bathroom, but I ignored it as I dragged the safety pin across the skin of my thigh with exceptional force. A sick, masochistic smile made its way onto my face as I felt the needle of the safety pin penetrate my skin, watching as I stared down at the blood beginning to bead from the scratch-like cut.

"_Sorry, Darce." _I whispered for seemingly the millionth time since July 7th, the phrase so familiar in my mind as I drug the needle across my skin again. And again. And again. Once I was satisfied, I clumped up a piece of toilet paper and held it to my thigh, still ignoring Eli's loud yelling voice and his fists pounding against the door. I let the pin fall to the floor, colliding with the dirty tile floor with a small _clink _as the red color seeped through the thin toilet-tissue, another tear falling from my eye and down my cheek.

This is what my life had come to. Guilt-ridden slices, meaningless apologies, scarlet satisfaction, sorrowful tears, and painful memories that I'd do anything to make disappear.

"_I'm so sorry."_

**_End of Chapter 5. _**

**Like, love, hate? Leave a review... pretty please with a carrot on top? It was really difficult to write... Like I said, it took me all weekend because I had to keep stopping. **

**See that pretty blue button down there? You know what to do. Hopefully the next chapter will be up sometimes within the next two weeksss! (;**


	6. Timber

**I know, I know. I haven't updated in a long time, sorry. Kind of short. Enjoy, hopefully. **

I thought for sure that door would keep him out. I was expecting that door to be the wall, to be the obstacle that Eli wouldn't pass, my Fort Knox. Boy, was I wrong. He called my name once more after his fists ceased pounding on the door, and then I heard the door squeak open. My sobs stopped racking through my chest, I was frozen. I blinked a few times as I heard him look in every stall, the door swinging and hitting the wall of every toilet cubicle. My hands pulled my shorts back over the scratch-like cuts before I even thought about it, crumpling up the bloody toilet tissue in my palm, the liquid feeling cold on my skin.

"I'm sorry." I heard from in front of me, and I looked up to see the door of the stall still closed. When I looked down I could see his feet standing there, and soon he sank down to the floor and sat down outside the stall. I gulped, wiping a stray tear. "Clare, I-I didn't mean to. It was just…" He trailed off, the first few words lingering in the empty air. "Come out. Just… please come out." His voice was pleading. I shook my head even though he couldn't see it. "If you're not coming out, then I'm coming in." I tensed, scrambling to say something. Before I could get anything out, Eli poked his head in the bottom of the stall, the rest of him soon following suit. The only thing on my mind were the bloody tissues in my hand and the safety pin on the floor, the tip stained with my blood. I moved my foot over it to hide it. I lifted my gaze, Eli turned his head, and then my teary eyes faced his flustered and apologetic ones. I suddenly wished I had my razorblade in my bathroom cabinet so I could slice through the silence. My small voice broke the quiet.

"Sorry." I said quietly, averting my eyes.

"I don't know why you're apologizing." He uttered softly. I sniffed, my breath catching.

"I do." The invisible fist punched me in the gut again. I wiped my eye hastily.

"Clare, it was my fault. I'm sorry."

"S'okay." I sniffed again. The bloody tissues in my hand felt like they were burning through my hands, as if they had to be disposed but I wasn't able at the moment. I glanced down at the thighs of my shorts, seeing a few small beads of red seeping through the thin fabric, barely noticeable. The silence crept back inside the stall. The most insignificant of noises seemed loud, the dripping of the sink at irregular intervals, the soft static coming from a nearby room, the sound of the safety pin below my right foot making a scraping sound as the sole of my shoes moved a bit. I felt Eli glance at me a few times, the feeling of interrogation in his short glances he spared in my direction.

"I lied to everyone, all the time. At one point, I couldn't remember what it felt like to be human." He broke the silence. His lips turned into a line. "My parents and I are close, but it felt like they were forgetting I was there. It was all in my head, but I got into fights so they wouldn't ignore me. That was one of my biggest fears, being ignored. I hurt myself, way too many times…" He trailed off.

He was telling me his story.

"Julia was my best friend for as long as I could remember. She could always make light of every situation, she was smart, she had the prettiest brown doe eyes…" He coughed and turned his head away from me. "Her mom was sick. Julia used her optimism and convinced herself that her mom would wake up one day and be perfectly healthy. But her dad wasn't so sure. When Julia was at a friend's house, her dad told the doctors to pull the plug on her mom's ventilator. When she found out, she was furious. She came to me, and she was yelling things in my face, I got mad… I said the stupidest thing I've said my entire life. 'She was going to die anyway.'" He turned his head and didn't look me directly in the eye, his eyes glossy and shining with tears. "She stormed out of my house bawling, I chased after her, she ran out into the street. Got hit by a car." He appeared to be taking a breather, his eyes closing for a few moments until he opened them again and a tear fell. He wiped it with his palm hastily, trying to hide it before I saw, but failing. I'd only know him for a few days, but he always seemed so _strong_, tough, unbreakable. But here he was, a vulnerable pile of boy sitting on the floor of the women's restroom. I wanted to do something, but I was afraid I would break him. For a moment I put away all my insecurities and did what I needed to.

"I'm sorry." My voice was monotone, still and smooth. "But… why did you tell _me?"_

He shrugged. "You seemed like you wouldn't judge. My assumption was right." He gave me a tiny smirk, though it was obvious that it was forced. "And I believe we had a deal."

Then I remembered our conversation a couple days ago.

'"_If I ever told you what I did… would you tell me what happened to you?" He asked hesitantly._

"_Maybe." I answered truthfully, knowing I'd probably regret this later.'_

No. No no no no no.

"I didn't think you'd actually tell me." I lied to him.

"I didn't think so either. But another thing I've observed… is that _you_ need to get something off your chest." He pointed out.

"Do you do this kind of thing with _all _your friends?" I retorted irritably, still frozen cold, because for some odd reason, I didn't know why I was fighting with him, and it scared me.

"Only the ones I care about." My stomach fluttered amongst the anger. Someone actually cared about me. "Now, is there anything you'd like to get off your chest…?" He gave a pointed look. My fists did that weird thing again, forming into a trembling ball, and I could feel the dried blood from the tissue in my hands cling to my skin. There was this feeling that the world was going to end, my body crumbling until it was nothing but random pieces of me. I was falling apart. But something overrode all the fear.

Anger. Hot, firey anger. I didn't know what or whom it was towards, what it wanted me to do. I didn't know anything anymore. I felt the blood seeping deeper into the fabric of my shorts as the superficial cuts rubbed and made friction with them. I chose to ignore it. I didn't want him to know.

"Can I meet you outside?" I questioned, and he cocked an eyebrow before bringing himself up from the floor. He picked up my t-shirt and my necklace and looked at me with a blank expression. I shot him a small smile, though it was forced. He returned it, his looking slightly hesitant as he twisted the small metal lock and let himself out. I heard the bathroom door open and close, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I got up to my feet and opened the toilet lid, disposing of the bloody toilet tissue, some of it sticking to my hands in thin red overlays. I picked up the safety pin, staring at it in disgust before throwing it into the toilet, flushing and taking myself out of the stall, not staying to watch it go down. I washed my hands in the sink, looking down at my shorts, small beads of blood soaking through. Still not visible.

I strutted out of that bathroom door, anger still hovering over my head when I walked through the side doors and found Eli sitting against the wall. His face lightened a bit when he saw me.

"I didn't think you'd come out." He admitted, and I couldn't deny that the thought hadn't crossed my mind.

"What time is it?" I questioned. He glanced at his watch, like in the movies.

"12:13."

I started to walk. Eli sped up and followed me. I turned to walk right.

"Where are you going? Degrassi's that way." He said with a small smirk, apparently not wanting to go back to school just as much as I didn't. I turned to him, a sad small smile flashed to him.

"I wanted to show you something." He caught up with me then, walking by my side, the silence comfortable for once.

"Clare. Where are we going." He said, exasperated and curious at the same time.

"Patience is a virtue." I answered.

"I'm atheist. I don't believe in virtues." He pointed out with a playful smirk.

"Apparently you don't believe in patience, either." I retorted. He chuckled, but it quickly absorbed into the silence creeping back up on us. I heard a chainsaw starting up, I turned my head to the noise to see a middle-aged man cutting down a tree in front of his house, the wood splitting and cracking as he held it to the bark. I began to wonder how the tree wasn't screaming. I glanced at Eli, he was still staring into that yard with split wood coming down like rain, a final high-pitched crack ringing out in the air before it fell down with a loud bang.

The man didn't even shout '_timber'_.

When I glanced back at Eli, my eyes clashed with his. We stared for a minute, I didn't see a single thing. Empty, gone, emotionless, a wall. Finally; there was my Fort Knox, in his eyes. I hoped my eyes held the same effect. But my hope of that dissipated as we turned onto Hurley Street, my feet wanting to pause and stay there on that corner, but I brought myself to move my feet onwards. Eli looked at me peculiarly, but I ignored it and kept my eyes ahead. The barn came into view, the red paint faded through and not nearly as vibrant as the harsh red color of blood that I remember. There was the same tree, the same well that was closed off, the same rusty mailbox with the surname '_Wils n'_ on it, the _'o' _in the name long gone.

"Clare?" I turned to him solemnly. "Where are we?" We came to the tree, and I stopped. Should I lay down? No. I wanted nothing more than to sink down to the earth and take it into my hands, my fingers clawing into the dirt while I screamed. I wanted to, so bad. But I didn't. I simply let myself sit on the ground, my hands shaking while my eyes were still. Eli planted himself down next to me, his eyes burning holes in the side of my head as he waited for an answer.

"This is where I killed my sister." I told him. I told him all of it: the fight, the crash, the blood everywhere, the lights. And after I was done, I didn't feel any better.

I felt angry. It was burning below my skin, like lava, seeping and seeping through my skin until it burst through. I was so angry, I was angry that everything about this place was the same while my life had changed so much. I was angry that while I slept with the light on and I pretended that that was perfectly normal, this place stayed the same. But most of all… I was angry at the person I wasn't expecting to be angry at.

If there was a god, my fury was directed at him.

If you're real, then save me Jesus.

I was brought up by my so-called parents to think that sinning was terrible, that you have to follow all of God's rules, and then you'd go to heaven. What a lie. I did everything right, I followed every rule. And yet, I'm in Hell. All the hundreds of sermons I've listened to in my life, they lie. You don't have to die to get to Hell, I'm already there. But I don't feel alive anymore.

God, Jesus, Heaven… they all held a chainsaw for our souls, trimming us down and eventually cutting us so deep that we break and crash down.

Tears were dripping down my cheeks like they were automatic, leaving wet trails behind them. Eli squeezed my hand tighter, but I paid no attention to that. I sank down, my head collapsing into his lap as I cried for a minutes, hours, decades… I couldn't tell.

There wasn't anyone to shout _'timber'_ for me.

_**End of Chapter 6.**_


	7. Showing Through

**I posted a sneak-peak of this chapter on my Tumblr! I post little snippets of my stories on there whenever I have the time to write, so follow me on there if you want to see them. (Link is on my profile.) I was kind of discouraged with the last chapter, I didn't get many reviews... It made me a sad camper. :( But, anywho, hope you like this chapter... there's a few more details of the accident.**

**Disclaimer: I think it's kind of obvious what I'm saying here. **

_We sat in our living room when we got home from the hospital, all in fresh clothes, not saying anything to each other. Except my parents, who were bickering endlessly, most of it muffled. _

_My mother was screaming at my father, though he kept a firm grip around my her, her clawing and pushing barely effecting his strong arms wrapped around her in a grip of desperateness. One of Darcy's close friends plotted them self on the armchair, completely mute and pulling on the stray threads on the cuff of her sweatshirt. _

"_Why. _Why. _WHY." My mom searched for an answer she wouldn't find, that no one would answer. _

_My eyes stayed firmly planted on a speck on the wall, trying with all I had to just _not_ think. My skin itched where Her blood had been, I scratched endlessly, paranoia settling in that the itch might never leave. I picked at the edge of the bandage bound to my wrist with medical tape, I had to go back… _there_ to see if all of the auto glass had been removed; my gash was too torn up to tell. All in one day, I'd lost my boyfriend, partial temporary movement in my left hand, one of my new shoes, and my best friend who happened to be a lot taller than me and shared my DNA. My sanity was the next to go. _

_Hurley Street took my essentials, hell, they were crushed and crashed in that godforsaken car. When the ambulance came and took Her away, they were patching me up in the second one. They said it was a miracle that the gas take didn't ignite._

_Gee, thanks 'God', you can stop a fucking car from exploding but you can't give my sister a single ounce of life for her to hold on to. _

_I didn't blame Jesus, I didn't blame the car, I didn't blame the street name, I didn't blame Her. I blamed _me.

_Clare Edwards, you're a self-absorbed, murderous, terrible person. I _hate_ you. I hadn't hated anyone as much as I hated myself. _

"_You just _had_ to stay late at work, didn't you, Randall?"_

"_How the hell did _I_ know this would happen, Helen? Hm?" My dad yelled back._

_You just _had_ to do this, didn't you, Clare? _

_._

_._

_. _

"You don't deserve this."

"Yes I do." I sobbed. He was quiet.

"What's that on your pants?" His finger was pointed towards my shorts, the dots of blood finally seeping through.

"I don't know, probably dirt?" I lied shakily.

"I don't understand." His face was sullen.

"I didn't think you would." His face looked… hurt.

"That's not what I meant. What I meant, was… I don't understand how you can blame yourself for that." That made me snap.

"That same way you blame yourself with Julia." He flinched at her name.

"I don't anymore." He pointed out, spinning a straying wave of my hair around his finger while his other hand traced invisible patterns on my shoulder. I sniffed.

"How?" I questioned.

"I went to therapy. And found something to help me that didn't involve… that _dirt_ on your shorts." He put air quotations around the word 'dirt'. He offered a small smile, though I didn't return it, I had no room for it in this swarm of emotion enveloping my head.

"It's dirt." He raised his hand up in surrender when he heard my tone.

"Whatever you say."

"How did you help yourself?" I changed the subject.

"Music." He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I remained silent, staring at him in both awe and confusion. "What, you don't believe me?"

"How…?" I squinted my eyes as if that would help me, an old tear falling down, my hand went up to catch it but another sharpie-nailed hand beat me there.

"You seem to be asking that a lot." He chuckled lightly while I refused to look anywhere else other than the closely-knit threads of his dark sweatshirt. "My therapist gave me a list of things that I could try to use to keep my mind off of… things. I picked music. And it works." He explained, pulling a pair of worn-looking ear buds from his pocket with exposed wire in one spot, connected to a hefty iPod. "64 Gigs." He looked at it like it was his child, the only thing holding him to earth. It made a small smile creep on my face, my eyes finally straying from his shirt to stare at his amusing face. "I love it. It was kind of perfect, too, since my dad practically _lives_ with it."

I didn't know what to say.

So I didn't say anything.

.

.

.

"Where the hell were you at lunch?" Adam stood there with his arms crossed as we walked in the front door of Degrassi just as the last bell rang. He tapped his foot as we walked up to him, students flooding past, his face looking amused.

"Working on an English project that was due today." Eli covered. I nodded, going along with it.

"Mhmmm." Adam glared, his eyes narrowing, a small grin on his face. "And where is this so-called _project?" _

"My… house." Eli lied again.

"Hn." Adam shrugged, his glare never ceasing. "Ready for our movie?" Adam asked, and we both nodded a yes. Adam was eyeing us up and down, stopping midway when he stared at me. "Are you sure, Clare-Bear? Your shorts are kind of dirty." He noted. I put on a fake grin, trying to hide the fact that my heart rate increased, about to make up yet another lie to cover myself when…

"Rain check?" Eli questioned Adam with an apologetic face. "I'm wiped, I stayed up all night."

"Doing what?"

"Homework, listening to music, thinking, other things…" Eli counted off on his fingers, Adam held up a hand to make him stop.

"I don't want to know." Adam put on a fake look of disgust. Eli grinned, his inner plan successful and the smugness was apparent on his face. "What about Friday night?"

"It's a date." Eli agreed, that smirk back on his face. Adam lit up. "Woah woah woah. We're just friends." He teased, pinching Adam's cheek, but he didn't get far before Adam smacked his hand away, a smile on his face.

"Man, you _wished_ you had all of this." Adam gestured to his body, and Eli chuckled, my giggle and an eye roll soon following after. Eli's head whipped in my direction, a little big of shock hidden under his smirk.

"So, _Clare-Bear,_ I'll drive you home." I glared at his use of my nickname.

"I have legs, _Elijah_. I'm able to walk." I retorted with a small grin.

"And I have _wheels_. I'm able to drive you." He was stubborn. "Adam, you want a ride, too?"

"Nah, I'll catch up with Drew. See you later, bro." Eli offered a fist-bump and Adam gladly excepted it.

"Bye, Machismo." He glared at Eli over his shoulder before walking through the glass doors.

"Ready to fly, Edwards?" Eli looked at me expectantly.

"If you call tagging along in your big, scary hearse, then sure."

.

.

.

"Well, this is it." He parked in my driveway, and I couldn't help but notice that my dad's Volvo wasn't in the garage.

"Thanks, Eli. Especially for covering for us earlier."

"I doubt Adam believed us, anyway, but it'll do." He shrugged, turning off Morty's ignition. "And it's no problem."

"And, um… thanks for coming with me." I thanked him, referring to coming to my least favorite street.

"I should be the one thanking _you." _He waved his hand in dismissal. "Not everyone has someone to talk to." Much to my surprise, he scooted closer and wrapped his arms around me. I waited a few seconds to reciprocate before pulling away with a tiny smile, he returned it before planting a light kiss on my shoulder. "If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me."

.

.

.

My feet planted themselves on the welcome rug in front of the door, although I didn't feel very welcome. The air in the house was cold, a feeling lingering in it so much that I was weary whether or not to inhale. Once I did, I slipped off my converse and slid them into the closet, the darkness enveloping them when I shut the closet door. I risked a glance around, seeing my mother outside on the back porch smoking a cigarette, looking tensed but relaxed at the same time. My dad's shoes were gone, his work bag was missing, and when I scanned the room again I noticed that his jacket that usually laid over the armchair was gone as well.

He left again. And I didn't want to stick around to see that look in my mother's eyes; the desperation, the anger, but most of all one final feeling that made me stop in my tracks.

Guilt.

I trotted up the stairs, looking at the family pictures on the wall just like I did everyday. Looking at them made me crave that slicing feeling on my skin, I shifted my gaze before solemnly continuing up to my room. When I reached my door, I nudged it open with my elbow and set my school bag on my bed. When I looked at the picture tucked into the upper right-hand corner of my mirror, I had an urge to walk to my bathroom cabinet and grab that wad of paper towel that contained the sharpest of my desires. I shook my head, shaking my waves back and forth between hesitantly walking back to my bed, taking all I had not to get back up and head towards my bathroom. I reached into my backpack and felt something foreign, and I pulled it out, only to see something that made a smile adorn my face.

An iPod with worn-down ear-buds, the wire showing through.

Eli's a sneaky one.

_**End of Chapter 7.**_

**Review please? **


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